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Maverick Daniel Hamming

It was a cold January day. January 2nd, 2020 to be exact. Erick had left for work early that morning and I knew something just wasn’t right. Before Erick had made his way out the door I stated that I was likely going to the hospital. Maverick’s breathing was off and with all the RSV going around my anxiety was getting worse by the minute.
I called a friend and asked for her help with Reiker so that I could get to the hospital and be able to focus on just Maverick and I. That way I also didn’t have to bring Reiker into a germ filled area.
We made our way to Stratford hospital and we got triaged and sent back to the waiting room. I asked one of the nurses if Maverick and I could just wait in a separate room that way I could breastfeed him and be away from everyone else coughing and spreading germs.

She brought us around to a room and there I sat… the hours ticked by. I was breastfeeding and rocking, breastfeeding and rocking… he wasn’t very tired and he was a little unconsolable. My mind was racing and my mama intuition was so clearly telling me that he was fighting a virus that had to be RSV.
I waited in that hospital room for hours until finally the doctor came. I asked her if I could show her videos of what he looked like that morning but she continued telling me that by the way he looks- he’s just fine and many get through this. He may just be a little “under the weather”. I asked her if there was a possibility for testing or if they could do anything… they hadn’t even weighed him in triage let alone checked for further things. She stated that the hospital was super full and there wasn’t much space for children that can just go home and get some rest.
I asked her what to do if this all got worse and she looked at me and said “just bring him back in”.

So that I did…

It was now January 28 and after much asking around, chiropractic visits and more… I decided to take him in to London, Children’s Hospital. Hoping that this time they would take me seriously and want to help. The entire drive there my heart was pounding, my maps led me the wrong way, Maverick was crying and then silent and then crying… on and off. I was crying… all I wanted to do was pull over and hold him… I just wanted to be at the hospital already, bringing him in, holding him in my arms. I was so anxious, and I feel like I had my eye on his baby mirror more than I had my eyes on the road that drive.
I walked in and it was like the whole world in that hospital just didn’t seem to care about the situation. My head was spinning and everyone else seemed to look at me like I needed to calm down. We finally got a a bed and I laid him down to begin to undress him. I was holding back tears. My heart was pounding and I knew that he just wasn’t ok. The way he was breathing, his little cough, his little cry for help… I told him we were in this together and that mommy would do as much as she could to advocate for him.

The nurse came in and weighed him, she checked his temp and his pulse. He had a fever that morning yet now his temp had gone down. I pleaded with her and said please just say something about his temp to the doctor because although it’s gone down a bit I know he is fighting something that isn’t right. She said she couldn’t do much but I could sit and wait for the doctor to come in.

The resident doctor walks in and asks me a few questions-

“How many wet diapers has he had in the last 24 hours”
“Two” I said, “and that isn’t near enough… he should have more- I know that”.
“How many times has he ate?” He asked me.
“He has been on and off my boob every two hours.. but it shouldn’t be that way.. I know something is off with his feeding.. it seems like he is just doing it to sooth himself” I said.
“Okay, that doesn’t seem worrisome to me, but I will note it” said the resident.
“Can I show you some videos from this morning? I have a picture of his temp, or of the mucus that I am noticing.. can I show you them?” I asked him.
“There isn’t much time, and I have wrote down what you’re saying, I can look at his chest if you’d like” he said.
“Yes, please do… you may not notice much congestion- as I don’t… but it’s the pattern of his breathing… I swear he has RSV” I pleaded.
“His breathing sounds great.. I will get the head doctor to come back in and give him a look over and then you can be released”.

I hung my head…. yet again no one trusted me.. no one wanted to see what I was seeing, and no one believed me. I sat in that room for 45 minutes waiting for the final doctor to come in, hoping he/she would believe me.

She walked in “So I heard what’s going on mama, mind if I just take a peak?” … “sure” I said, as she peaked over at him and took her stethoscope out. “let’s check out his chest” …”okay, sounds good…”
My heart dropped. REALLY!? THIS WAS THE HELP I WAS GOING TO GET!? I told her that I knew something was off… he make look and sound fine but he wasn’t. She told me there was nothing that they could do and it was too busy of a hospital to keep babies for ‘no reason’. I was to go back home and wait until it got worse……

Sunday February 2nd
It was nearing 11am and I had stayed at my mom the night before. The boys weren’t feeling the greatest and I wanted to take a quick bath with them before I left. We slid into the bath tub to cool down (their temps seemed a little high) and then I was going to head home. I figured if I could get home I could talk to Erick about bringing at least one of them in. Yet, every time that idea came to my head all I could think of was how much the doctors *wouldn’t* even listen to me if I tried. I decided to just see what they were like when I got home.
They fell asleep on the ride home, so I transitioned Reiker to his bed at home for his afternoon nap.
Maverick was hungry so I laid with him and breastfed him until he seemed full. We took some pictures and videos as I was trying to get him to smile. HE SMILED for the first time ever!
I told Erick that I was just going to lay him down for a bit so that he could rest before I possibly took him in. I changed his diaper and I swaddled him up the way he loved to be swaddled. He was ready for a nice long nap. I kissed him a million times and told him I couldn’t wait to snuggle him up again- that he just needed to get some sleep!
I grabbed the monitor and went downstairs to go bring Erick some pizza in the shop.. he told me he wanted to come in to get some dry socks, so back in the house I went.

Erick went upstairs to get some clean socks and I waited downstairs for him- I didn’t want to wake the boys as they often didn’t nap at the same time.
It was then that I heard Erick’s scream… his voice will never leave my head. He ran downstairs…. with Maverick in his arms. I screamed, and cried and whimpered… I called 911.
I tried so hard for 20 minutes to do everything I could to bring him back to me but he was gone….
I still remember those last moments of holding him in my arms and bringing him over to the paramedics so that they could possibly work some kind of miracle.
It just didn’t happen. God had taken him before they even got there and before the team at the hospital could even see him. He was gone.

Days later, we got a call and we were told that he had passed of meningitis… I bawled. Something did not seem right about that… I asked so many questions. I was convinced it was a virus he was fighting that didn’t get looked after.
After months of going back and forth with the coroner, asking the hard questions and asking for further investigation… I finally got the answer.
They told me that there was contamination and they were wrong about the diagnosis, and that it was likely SIDS. I raised my voice, I emailed, I sent videos, and I sent pictures… I told them there was no chance my child passed of SIDS… he was not well and there was SOMETHING wrong. I pleaded with them and begged them to do further testing.

Finally.

I got a call.

“Miss Kara, yeah _____ here. We have the final report on Maverick Daniel Hamming and he passed away of bronchiolitis due to RSV… I am so sorry”.

I put the phone down and puked, and cried until I had no tears left.

I knew, my mama instincts knew.

I tried.

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Dear Grieving Mama

Can I start by saying it’s ok to not be ok?
I mean those words though… it truly is.

Thank you for making your way here. Your heart was brave enough to read this letter that I have wrote to you and I love you for that. Know that as my hands type these words- it is all done in love and if I could wrap my arms around you in this moment I would.

I am giving you permission to cry.
Right now it is okay to feel like you want to run and hide, and if you are physically hiding away from the world in this moment, that is okay too. You are right where you need to be.

You have lost a part of you that will never come back. It won’t ever be the same. Those words sting and my gut is flipping writing them, but that is only because I am in the same position as you are. I lost my baby boy 4 weeks ago and my life will never be the same.

It’s you and me and the rest of this tribe now. We are grieving mamas together and we stand beside each other.

Your world has turned upside down and it feels like it will never flip up again. It may be a long time before you ever feel a smile cross your face again and it may be an even longer time until you feel that big belly laugh that you once felt.
It is okay to feel so utterly lost that you have a hard time stomaching food, driving, making decisions, and so on. It is okay to feel the guilt of losing your child, because as a mother you have felt called to protect your babies like no other.
I am here to say that although those feelings may come up.. please mama, I beg you.. release them and know they are not part of the plan.
You have done and continue to do all you can for this child you have now physically lost and you are a great mother.
Some days you will not know how to get out of bed and others you will make it to the plans you once scheduled. Some days you will throw your phone aside and not want to look at it all day. Other days you will lean into all the support you can possibly get. Some days you will feel like your normal self just to get hit with a wave of pain and sadness, where you find yourself a mess on the cold bathroom floor. Maybe you are even going out with friends again but yet everything feels like a daze. You feel like you’re just floating through every move and you just can’t wait to be curled up in a ball.. home, alone again.

I feel you mama. I have been there.

Maybe it has been 20,30.. 40 years since your loss and you would do anything to meet your child once again and fall into the arms of God together. The pain that you feel here on earth will never go away, but neither will the love that you have for your child. There will always be moments where you can hardly hear yourself think let alone feel.
You will begin to create a new “normal” for yourself.
You will begin to feel differently because a piece of you is now missing.
I promise you that although I am only 4 weeks out from losing my baby… I can promise that you WILL learn to live again.
I am just learning now.


Some days I do not crave to live and other days I would do anything to live through who he was created to be (in my head).

Mama.. I want you to know that you are just where you need to be. Right in this moment.

Jesus is holding your sweet babe, and know that this is not the way he designed things to be. Jesus wept when he lost his good friend. He felt sadness. Deep, deep pain.
He knows what it is like to feel exactly how you are feeling in this moment.
Throw everything on him, because I can promise you that if you choose to carry this heavy, heavy load you will suffocate. You will not be able to find room to breathe. Cast your worries upon him, because he cares.

Right now you may feel like screaming “Why God, why!?”

I did.

I screamed and cried out to him and let him know how hurt I was that he chose me to walk this path.

He responded to me with love. The most loving arms that picked me up off that floor and told me that he chooses only his toughest fighters for these paths.

I want you to know this too.

It is you and me now mama.
You, me, and the rest of our tribe that has walked this road before us.
We are on this journey together.

xx

Kara

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Maverick’s Birth Story


Hey my loves! Thank you for joining me in this space. I am excited to share something so vulnerable and beautiful with you and I hope you enjoy the read. I have been writing this in between feeds, diaper changes, toddler meltdowns, baby cries, and much more.. so it has taken a bit of time to get it all together but here is the story in it’s rawest form.

xx

Enjoy.

Sunday December 8 @ 12:00am
I had been tossing and turning since laying my head down at 10pm that night.
Earlier in the night I had taken a long warm bath and massaged clary sage onto my tummy while telling babe that it was now safe to come. I had worked through a lot in the last couple of weeks mentally and emotionally and I finally felt ready to bring this new soul into the world and mother them in a whole new form. I knew baby was ready too. They were beginning to get quiet inside the womb in prep for birth and I could feel the connection deepening. I surrendered my body to the process, let go of any idea of when baby would come and began to trust that what needed to happen would. So there in the bath I felt myself finally letting go of all earthly troubles that were filling my body and releasing them to the creator that had much bigger plans for me- God. I sobbed and with every tear that fell onto my tummy , I took a deep breath and let go. I reminded baby that I loved them and wanted nothing more than to meet them. I told them they had a daddy and a big brother waiting for them… eagerly waiting on their arrival.
I landed on the oils that I felt most connected with in that moment. (clary sage – the oil of birth, and rose – the oil of connection)

Contractions began to come lasting about 30 seconds and were 20 minutes (or so) apart. Not near close enough to be “real” but steady. I got no sleep that night as the pain deepened with every contraction that came. I could hardly reposition my body without feeling pain shoot through me… I knew this was different than any other night of braxton hicks.

Sunday December 8 @ 7:00am
The sun started to come up and my contractions were getting closer together. I began breathing deeper into them and my body started to tense up. The pain was low in my abdomen and crampy. I still felt unsure as to if this was really real. I had so many moments of prodromal labour prior to this moment that I could hardly believe this was real. I called the midwife. Midwife told me to take a hot shower and eat some breakfast.. as much as I could. She also told me to get some rest if possible and see if the cramps / contractions slowed down. I took a long hot shower and had minimal cramping throughout, but as soon as I got out I began to feel the contractions deepen and speed up. I waited until about 11:00am to call the midwife again and update her. At this time Erick was counting my contractions to be 3 minutes and 20 seconds apart. Nearly on the dot each time! This is when it sunk in and I felt babe coming.

Sunday December 8 @ 11:30am
The midwife arrives to my home as I had planned a home birth for this baby. She checked me and my body had worked through quite the labour already as I was 4-5cm dilated and my cervix was super soft. This is when it REALLY registered. It was go time.
I called up our birth photographer HoneyWild Photography and called up my sister in law who I had coming to help support me through labour and delivery. I also called up our doula so that she could help with looking after Reiker throughout the day (possibly into the night).
Erick laid tarps down on the floor in the living room and began setting up the birth pool for me to labour in. The last person that had used the pool forgot to put the plug back in the bag, SOO we had to do a little bit of adjusting there and makeshift something to work for the pool. Erick went to his shop and found something that fit just right. He plugged it up, filled it with some hot water & I hopped in. My contractions began to last longer now and they spread into my lower back causing quite the pain. The water from the birthing pool was relaxing my body so much and helped me ease into each contraction as it came. However, It was almost like my body had relaxed so much from the water that my contractions started to slow down. They were now about four to five mins apart.
The midwife told me that she could break my water as there was a big bag of water sitting between my cervical opening and the baby’s head. Popping this bag of water would speed up labour and more than likely get contractions coming on harder and more frequent.
My initial reaction was excitement, and then the anxious feelings set in. My head was spinning. I couldn’t believe that in a matter of hours I was going to be a mama of two and this little babe that had made a home inside of me was going to be here. I was overwhelmed with so much emotion that I asked to just continue labouring in the tub for a bit and make up my mind. Almost half an hour later I worked myself up to accepting the help that my body seemed to need and made my way to the couch to have my water broken. She broke my water and immediately I could feel the shift in my body. I slid into some comfortable underwear that provided support as my water was likely to continue leaking.
The birth photographer was now here as well as my sister in law, who I had asked to be a part of the birth for support.

I continued contracting and the contractions were coming on deeper and more intense but they were beginning to space out.

Erick was amazing through this time offering both physical and emotional support. My mind was beginning to get tired as I hadn’t slept in what felt like days and all I wanted was for the pain to stop. I encouraged myself by saying that every contraction was bringing my baby closer, but with not much progression and the pain getting deeper… I felt tired.
I tried to eat something and drink lots to get my energy back up, but nothing seemed to help.
My midwife then sat down with me and said that we could wait another hour and power through some more contractions or we could go to the hospital to get some help in speeding things up.
All of a sudden I felt like bawling. I just wanted baby to come. I knew that this was part of my surrender process and to just accept the help that my body may need. I agreed to get things packed up and head to the hospital.
Just as we made this decision and started to rush around packing things up in preparation- contractions started to speed up. They moved into my lower back even deeper and made me feel like I couldn’t even move. We continued getting ready for the hospital and loaded up Erick’s truck to go.
At this time our amazing doula was looking after Reiker upstairs. Reading him books, feeding him, and playing some games with him. I honestly could not have done it without her, and we are so thankful that she was there to help. Her role was much needed and Reiker still remembers the day spent with her and asks for her back all the time.

Sunday December 8 @ approx. 5:30pm
We are now loaded up in Erick’s truck and heading down the driveway to head to the hospital. Of course, just as we are on our way the contractions start to speed up. So much so that they became two minutes apart lasting over a minute. I could hardly breathe and every bump, stop sign, and curve made it all worse. Erick was driving over 100km/hr to get there and it still did not seem fast enough. I felt so uncomfortable and tears were running down my face.

6:00pm
We arrived at the hospital and the midwife & Geralyn made their way over to the truck to help walk me to the doors. I have never felt such pain ever before. My body could hardly move let alone walk. I felt like I could not take another step. I was physically, mentally & emotionally exhausted. I just wanted baby here already… I didn’t want more pain. My midwife told me to stay with it and kept reminding me that I was stronger than how I was feeling in that moment. I knew these words were true and they are what genuinely helped me keep pushing forward. I took many breaks on the way to the hospital doors to breathe through my contractions but finally we had made it.

6:15/6:30
I was finally laying down in the hospital bed and it was time to make some decisions. I felt like I could begin pushing. I KNEW I could push… I felt baby right there.

My midwife insisted on checking me but the pain was so rough that I kept saying no. The pain was so intense and the gas was not helping me push through at all.

Finally I let her do a check and I was 9cm dilated. I had dilated 5/6cm throughout the drive to the hospital. They then decided against oxytocin as it was clear that my body had now picked up speed in preparing for baby to come. I was so exhausted that I did not know how I would be able to birth without help. I begged for an epidural and it came within minutes. The midwives told me that this was the fastest they’ve ever seen an epidural get delivered & get to work.
As soon as the numbing began and I had a couple minutes to rest.. I began to push.


I pushed for three and a half minutes and baby made their sweet arrival into this world. The moment I had been waiting for. The moment I had dreamt about for 9 months. It was here, and my exhaustion faded away and got replaced with feelings of admiration and attatchment. My heart felt so full. A tear fell down my face and landed on babe, this is when I knew that all along…God had planned for me to be a mother… and in the early days of motherhood.. a mama to two boys.
I instantly thought of everything I could raise my sons to be. I thought of the kindness and soft hearted love that Reiker could show this new soul. I thought of how as a family we could grow together with an inseparable bond.
I thought of it all.
…but most of all I thought about how much I loved this sweet baby with every fibre of my being.

Maverick Daniel Hamming.
Born at 7:57pm weighing in at 8 pounds and 14 ounces and 21 inches tall.
You are loved, from the very beginning.
From the day I knew you were being formed inside of me.
I promise to love you forever.
Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger than I will EVER know.
God knew my heart needed you.

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Spectrum Photoshoot Review

Good Morning!! Or afternoon, or evening.. whenever you get the chance to sit down and read this. I hope you are doing well and that you enjoy this little album review of our photoshoot with Captured by Spectrum!

We recently had a photoshoot with Katie, the owner of Spectrum Photography and it was amazing!
Katie came to us and we had a little photoshoot inside our home in the baby’s nursery. It was an intimate shoot and she made it so enjoyable by just letting us do our thing while capturing all the sweetest moments.

I find when it comes to photography it really comes down to the relationship that you build with the photographer in that moment. If you are not comfortable then it really shows through pictures. What I love about Katie is that she is so easy to get along with due to her outgoing nature.

Katie is a full spectrum doula by day and a photographer by night… ORR the other way around because life happens. She loves kind interaction and has such an easy going nature. She is from Stratford, Ontario and loves to travel! Which means- she will travel to you. Whether that’s for a birth or for an enjoyable photography session!

Some fun facts about her:

-her favourite colour is red,

-she HATES being in front of the camera but thoroughly loves being behind it,

-in her earlier days she wanted to be an archeologist in Egypt,

-she is a pasta fanatic,

-she is bilingual

-she is an endo warrior (she was diagnosed with endometriosis in the last few years)

and last but not least she is such an advocate for informed choice!

You can find her on Instagram @spectrumdoula & @capturedbyspectrum
or on her website at
www.spectrumdoula.com/learnmore.html

&

www.capturedbyspectrum.com

Now on to a little gallery of what our Saturday morning looked like this past weekend! I hope you enjoy. Make sure you head to my Instagram page to check out the amazing giveaway that Captured by Spectrum and I are hosting together!

xx

Happy Wednesday.

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My everyday uses of dōTERRA essential oils

OH hey!

In case you’re wondering- I missed you too. It has been a bit since I have been on the blog but to be quite honest I go through seasons. Seasons of creativity and big growth and seasons of building relationships and trust. Throughout it all I love supporting and I have been doing this in different ways but I knew it was time for another blog post as you have been asking to see how I incorporate oils into my daily routine.

At first thought you may think that it seems like a lot of work and the word “regimen” scares you away but truthfully you already have a routine without even knowing- using the oils may just adjust your routine a bit. Once you begin using them you will fall in love with the support that they provide, and will probably end up like me- using them without even noticing. It just becomes second nature and your body knows better than you what it truly needs!

In the morning I wake up and I begin by tongue scraping + brushing my teeth with dōTERRA’s onguard (immunity boosting) toothpaste

I then wash my face with dōTERRA’s invigorating scrub. This wakes me up and leaves me feeling fresh.

Following that I work on drink about a water bottle amount of fresh cold water as I fuel myself with some breakfast. Sometimes I add some of my fav oils like Lemon, Grapefruit (postpartum), Lime, or Green Mandarin.

I then take my vitamins for the day to help my body get all of the essential nutrients that it needs. The soil these days is so depleted that even with a 100% organic diet- there’s more that your body needs to maintain a healthy system.
Lifelong vitality fills in these gaps + more.

This leads me to choosing my mood for the day. Lately I have been loving the citrus smells in the diffuser, so I fill the diffusers up around the house with my fav oils for the day + appropriate amount of water. This helps me set my mood. Oils take 22 seconds to reach the brain as scent is the quickest route to the brain. Doing this creates habit and builds routine in my life as well as my families. (A simple key to success ps).

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After doing this I usually have some dishes to clean which brings me to using my dōTERRA onguard cleaner concentrate.
I also clean the counters with a diluted spray including:
-water
-vinegar
-ongaurd cleaner concentrate (3 tablespoons)
-lemon essential oil (5 drops)
-tea tree essential oil (5 drops)
-peppermint essential oil (2 drops)
This is my all purpose cleaner that I use for my countertops, stove cleaner, table cleaner etc.

I also use the oils topically. So by this I use a roller bottle that is either pre-mixed by dōTERRA or a blend that I have mixed myself. The two oils that I have been drawn to lately for topical use are magnolia touch (works with the heart chakra and opens you up gently to what you are put on this beautiful earth to accomplish) & my own personal “silver blend” (Hawaiian sandalwood, citrus bliss, and whisper)

These are just a few simple ways that I use dōTERRA throughout the day & that being said every day is different so I incorporate more/ different things day to day.
This goes to show you that although it may seem like a lot, it truly is simple and I am just redirecting my lifestyle. I would be using different products in place of this but rather I have chosen 100% pure, natural, products of the earth.

I have chosen to keep this blog short and sweet to take out the overwhelm and I will be back soon with some more content.

xx

Kara

Grief Advice From A Father’s View


” Grief in the beginning felt like an overwhelming state of numb. Busying myself with funeral arrangements and being there for my partner made me feel like I didn’t have time to grieve.⁣
Then weeks went by and I realized that I kept myself so busy so that I could remain numb. We were thrown into isolation and it wasn’t until time by myself where I could feel it bubble up.⁣ It hurt so bad, but I knew I had to feel.
I realized that in order to feel the amount of pain that this loss held I couldn’t do it on my own. I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t the one that was in control. I was not the one that was going to take this pain away. I also realized that in order to let myself feel I needed the comfort of God. I needed his help.⁣
I found myself weeping and allowing myself into the place that felt most uncomfortable. A place of feeling. A place of letting go and giving God the wheel. Which is something that I have never done. I have never allowed someone else to carry me as I had never trusted that someone could carry the weight of my pain and my thoughts, and then I found God. He wasn’t just “someone”. He was something much more.⁣ It was then that I found God and gave my life over to him.
I found strength in him and he helped carry me through what I thought I would not make it through.⁣

So if I could help anyone and give advice I would say that it is ok to cry and that it is okay to feel and do not try to numb yourself out with unnecessary things. Alcohol, or other things don’t save you, they don’t heal you and they don’t fix things.
Find the right people to surround yourself with even if it takes losing some and gaining others.
And lastly, find God and don’t ever let him go”.

Erick.

Grieving while standing strong

Something I’ve never talked about but yet something that rips my mama heart apart.⁣⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣
“Kara, Reiker’s temp is a bit high.. maybe we should take him in” I hear on the other side of the phone as I’m in the hallway outside Maverick’s room weeping.⁣⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣
I’m cold.⁣⁣⁣⁣
I’m shaking.⁣⁣⁣⁣
I’m sweating.⁣⁣⁣⁣
I feel like I can hardly breathe.⁣⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣
I just lost my eight week old baby and now I have to think about taking my two year old in to the hospital.⁣⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣
I had amazing support alongside me and they helped get him to the nearest hospital and then to London.⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Fast forward to Monday morning… when Reiker is already back from the hospital but something just isn’t right.⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I scoop him up and rush to the hospital.. only to have to advocate for immediate help. Once again.⁣⁣⁣⁣
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We get led down the hall. I pause as I pass the room I was in with Maverick just a week before this moment. The day I fought for more help. Begged doctors and nurses to admit him, take a second, third, fourth look. But no. They didn’t want to see pictures, videos nothing. I asked one last time for them to check his oxygen.. they didn’t want to “disturb him”⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I continue walking. My gut is wrenching. I’m grieving my baby and my other baby is in my arms, not well.⁣⁣⁣⁣
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The tears dry and I tell myself to stay strong because my other boy needs me more than anything.⁣⁣⁣⁣
Finally after taking me seriously they start taking blood, doing x rays, put him on oxygen.⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I thought I’d be relieved to see them taking care of my babe but yet again I’m reminded of what they could’ve done for his brother as well.⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I look away because the pain I see in my child’s eyes kill me. He just lost his baby brother and now he’s being pressed down on a bed with tubes going up his nose. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I beg God for a breath of fresh air.⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣
My eyes get heavy and the tears start to flow.⁣⁣⁣
I’m numb. I’m sick to my stomach. A drip of water makes me gag. My heart feels ripped.⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣
Reiker begs for me to lay with him so I do.⁣⁣⁣
As my phone starts ringing.. it’s Erick.⁣⁣⁣
“Sweetheart can you send me a list of your family’s names so we can write up Mav’s obituary”⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣
…I’m speechless.. I FEEL breathless.⁣⁣⁣
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The flashbacks start coming and I push them away as fast as they come.⁣⁣⁣
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“You’re strong Kara, you CAN get through this, you WILL. Reiker needs you..K E E P going” I tell myself.⁣⁣⁣
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The same doctor that released maverick without a second glance comes in to review and see if Reiker needs to be admitted. ⁣⁣⁣
“My son who you saw exactly a week ago? He’s dead……… please admit my son and give him the care he needs” I say.⁣⁣⁣
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I look down and refuse to look up again until he leaves. I want to scream. I want him back. I want this pain to end.⁣⁣⁣
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My mother walks through the curtain and sits down. It’s her time to take the night shift so I can go be with Erick.⁣⁣⁣
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I leave my sons hospital room with pain in my entire body. I don’t want to leave him, but I need erick more than anything. I need to cry. I need to shake. I need to release.⁣⁣⁣
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That night I tossed, I turned, nothing felt comfortable… I felt motherless. Neither of my babies were with me. One was gone forever and the other was fighting for his next breath. ⁣⁣
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How was I supposed to get out of bed the next day… how was I supposed to talk on the phone with my babies coroner and show up at the hospital for my other child all while picking the flowers for my newborn’s funeral. ⁣⁣
I had no choice. I had NO choice but to keep moving and keep going. ⁣⁣

I went to go see Reiker later that night.⁣
I hugged him and never wanted to let go but he needed sleep.⁣
I rolled up the sides of his “caged in” bed. He screamed. He cried. He wanted me…⁣
I wanted to drop to the floor. I didn’t know what to do anymore.⁣
Everyone told me that he needed sleep and I needed to leave the room to let him get some rest but all I wanted to do was never let go.⁣

Fast forward to the day of Maverick’s funeral. Reiker was finally released that morning.. he was in my arms again. Yet my head kept reminding me that he could be taken from me in an instant.⁣
This made me feel distant. It made me feel disconnected. ⁣
It made me feel like I couldn’t hold on to anything or anyone…⁣

My body wheezed and fought for every breath during the service and at the end I picked myself up just to come to my knees at his casket crying.⁣
The last time I would ever touch a space where Mav’s body was lying.⁣
It felt like no one else was in the room. I sang. I weeped, and I shook.⁣